As I finally sit down to write a new post, I realize it’s been over a month since I’ve been able to write anything. A month! What’s happened in that month? Oh yeah, I gave birth to our second daughter and man, I was not as prepared as I thought I was for the challenges that having both a newborn and a toddler present.
It’s 4:30am and I’m woken up by the cry of our second baby. She’s ready to eat. I get up, half asleep and sit down to feed her. Just as I finish feeding her, changing her and eventually getting her back to sleep, I lay down and close my eyes in hopes of getting just a few more minutes of sleep. This is when my three year old decides to get up. “Mommy, wake up!” she yells.
This is my new morning routine. It’s been just over five weeks since I gave birth to our second child. My husband and I had always planned on having two kids and here we are, with two beautiful daughters just as we pictured it. Well, sort of…
I thought it would be easier this time around. This time we would know what we were doing, we wouldn’t be afraid of every little noise our baby made, we would know how to change diapers, how to handle a newborn baby in the bath and how to feed her. I really didn’t give it a second thought when we talked about having a second child. It was so easy with our first daughter so why would this time be any different, right? Wrong.
These first weeks have been challenging, exhausting and, at times, have had me questioning whether or not I was ready to have two kids. I’ve experienced some pretty severe lows and also some really great moments. I know that all the hard times will be worth it in the end, but right now, adjusting to two little ones is TOUGH.
Here’s what I have learned so far:
1.) Your second baby will not be the same as your first.
I am constantly having to remind myself that I can’t compare my second daughter to my first. Most likely, your second baby will be very different than your first. My first daughter was an incredibly easy baby. She was healthy, she never once spit up, she ate when and what she should, she slept good early on, she was happy and she rarely cried. She never had trouble with teething, never had a diaper rash and really didn’t experience much of the same issues that most babies deal with.
This experience obviously made me very optimistic about having a second baby, but as I’m learning, my second daughter is very different. She has tummy issues and a reflux problem that makes feeding for her painful. She cries a lot more and is much harder for me to figure out. I can’t think of many worse feelings than what you feel when you aren’t bonding with your baby.
It’s been frustrating at times, but what I’ve realized is that my frustration is coming from me expecting or wanting her to be more like her sister was. When I remind myself that I need to be on her schedule and not expect her to be on mine, it helps me get through those tough moments. Learn to accept them for the beautiful and different baby that they are. The sooner you can do this, the easier it will be. (I’m still working on this one.)
2.) Your toddler might regress backward for a while.
I knew this was a possibility based on other parent’s experiences but I underestimated it. I just couldn’t picture our daughter acting this way but again, I was wrong. I’m slowly realizing that I was placing way too high of expectations on her and it’s perfectly normal for her to behave the way she is right now. She’s much more whiny and pouty and has mastered a fake cry that wasn’t there before. I know it all comes down to her needing her own attention though and feeling like the baby is taking it all. She’s seeing this new person take some of it away, so she then mimics what the baby is doing in hopes it will get our attention too.
To help her, my husband and I are making every effort to do things with her alone. For example, she went to breakfast alone with me one day. Another day, my husband took just her to the zoo. As long as we focus on making sure she doesn’t feel left out, I’m confident her behavior will return to normal.
3.) You will get even less sleep the second time around.
You think you’re prepared for the lack of sleep because you handled it the first time. You remember the nighttime feedings every few hours and the odd hours your baby decides to stay awake, but you also know that you got through it.
What I wasn’t prepared for this time around is that there’s no time to “sleep when the baby sleeps.” Now, there’s a toddler who needs my attention all the time. When the baby sleeps, it’s focus on the toddler time. To get through this, my husband and I will take turns waking to feed the baby while the other one sleeps. It also helps to remind myself that this period won’t last forever and soon enough my baby will start sleeping more through the night.
4.) You will need more help.
With my first baby, I didn’t want any help. I actually preferred it this way. I wanted as much time to bond and be alone with my baby as possible before I had to return to work. I also didn’t feel like I needed any help. I got into a routine with my daughter early on and things just seemed to flow really well.
With a second child, you don’t have as much extra time to take care of things. I’m finding myself needing more help this time around, mostly from my husband. I took care of most things when my first daughter was a baby. I did this because I wanted to. Now, I need more help – from my husband and from other family and friends. It can be really hard to ask for it, but I’m finding that people close to me really don’t mind.
5.) You might cry – A LOT.
These newborn days with my second baby are a completely different experience and to be completely honest, I’m not enjoying them nearly as much as I did with our first baby. The list of things to do is never-ending, alone time is almost completely gone now and I am constantly feeling some kind of guilt, mostly due to worrying about not giving my toddler or the baby enough attention. It’s a constant juggling act and it is beyond exhausting. I break down in tears almost daily, which never happened after my first daughter was born. It’s still early on and I haven’t gotten into that flow yet and we don’t have a good routine. Once that’s established, I’m hoping things will get a little easier to manage.
In the end, all of these struggles will be worth it – I get that and I really do believe that. Right now is tough, though. What does get me through these hard days is just focusing on one thing at a time. I try not to let my brain start thinking of every little thing that needs to be done. I’m also learning to ask for help. I have a newfound appreciation for my mom friends – the couple of very close friends I have that are also moms. It is so nice to be able to vent to another mom that gets what you’re going through. Use your tribe – it is definitely what’s helping me survive these days.
What helps you get through the rough times?
A real struggle for many Moms. God bless you!
I can relate to everything you wrote here. My 1st child was a very easy baby. And as a result I had the wrong expectations. Drove me into PPD.
My daughter is 7 weeks and it’s getting a bit easier.
I’m so glad to hear it’s getting easier for you! My daughter is eight weeks now and it is finally getting easier for me too. Those first few weeks were awful though. When your first baby is easy, it’s hard not to naturally expect the next one to be the same and when they’re not, it is a big adjustment to make. Thank you so much for taking the time to read this and I hope your journey continues to get easier. 🙂
Thanks for this article. It helps to read that I’m not the only one going trough this rollercoaster. I love my kids more than life but it’s not always as pretty and easy as I pictured it. I’m grateful for your sharing!
I’m really glad it helped! It’s crazy how lonely motherhood can feel sometimes, especially when things aren’t going the best. I’m learning that some days are just going to be better than others but that it’s all worth it in the end.
Thank you for the article! Such great tips!
Thank you for writing this. I related to it so much and found some comfort knowing i’m not alone. I’m in this exact situation right now. 2 1/2 year old daughter was an incredibly easy baby. Assumed it was something I did and that the 2nd would be just as easy. Here I am with my 3 week old son and boy it is not how I pictured it. Exhausted, less patient…and the mom guilt is the worst part. Can’t wait to hopefully get into some sort of schedule soon. I know it’s early but I function better with routine, as does my daughter. Thank you again!!
First, thank you so much for taking the time to read this and second, I am really glad it could help! Those early days were soooo hard for me and I felt like there was something wrong with me because no one really talks about this topic. Things took so much longer to click with my second daughter and honestly, we still have lots of days where we struggle. It’s amazing how different two kids can be. I love them both so much but was unprepared for how hard it can be. I wish you all the best and just know that it really does it get better once they get a little older and into somewhat of a routine.
Thank you so much for this article and all your other ones! I’m expecting my second and it’s really great to get another mom’s perspective. You’re amazing!
Thank you so much! That means so, so much to me. <3
I’ve recently really been contemplating a second child.. I was an only child so I think about how much I wanted a sibling to play with and as an adult now I think about the sad things, like parent care as they get older being all on my shoulders. I hate to think our daughter will be all alone. I know these hard times are just short seasons, but gosh this really makes me think hard about whether I want to go through all of the newborn stuff again. We are just getting more freedom and flexibility now that our daughter is over 1 yr, its hard to think about going backwards and with a toddler in tow this time! Thanks for this post!
Thank you so much for sharing your experience! I definitely struggled after my second daughter was born. It just flipped everything upside down for a while but every day gets a little easier. My youngest is almost 16 months now so she’s starting to be able to play with her sister, which is awesome to watch. Two kids is definitely harder than one, but I wouldn’t change anything. 🙂 Just do what’s right for you!
Thank you so much for this post and sharing your experience. It has been also great to read the replies of other moms who related to this post as well. Like many others, we just had our second child and are going through a similar experience. It’s so easy to feel like you are alone during these tough times and it’s so helpful to know you aren’t. Thank you again. Hang in there mama! You are doing great! 😊
I have a 15m old and we are talking about having another so this really helped me! I do have one question and it may sound terrible… how does your love split/multiply for the second? because I love my 1st SO much, it’s so hard to think about how I can love another as much as I love her. And is it normal to feel like you are mistreating the 1st g wanting to have another, cause I have some serious guilt over thinking about having another baby. I hope that doesn’t sound completely awful like I feel like it sounds.
Hi Haley! I’m so sorry I’m seeing your comment so late! I think it got lost in the shuffle but I really wanted to respond to what you said. I completely understand how you feel! I was sooo scared of how I would bond with my second since me and my first daughter were so close from the beginning. I also worried about how I would share myself and divide my time evenly. All of the guilt and those worries are completely normal! Now that my daughters are almost two and five, things are truly amazing. I’m working on a post to share how much better things got for us. You learn how to give them both the attention they need. Also, don’t feel guilty for having a second child! You are giving your oldest a sibling and in my opinion, I think it is such a beautiful thing. My two are starting to play together a lot and it’s amazing to watch. The beginning was rough but it was all just trying different things and finding a routine that worked for us. I wish so much peace for you and I hope your worries fade. <3